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2005-01-06 - 9:15 p.m.

I have always felt that Gwyneth Paltrow and Julia Roberts could really be two of my best friends, and the only thing keeping that from happening were mansion walls, a few bodyguards and a dozen restraining orders. But seriously, they seemed like my kind of girls! Sure there were times when I questioned some of their choices, Julia's barefoot wedding to Lyle Lovett, Gwyneth's ill-fitting pink Oscar dress, but hey my friends are allowed to make mistakes every now and then. However, this past year I have really begun to question myself and to realize that Gwyneth and Julia, I hardly knew you at all.

Anyone who knows me (even a little bit) knows that I take names very seriously, perhaps some would say I am even a little obsessive about it. Okay sure, that is fair....after all, it is only the name your child will have for the rest of their lives, why take it seriously!!?? So, there I am in the wee hours of the morning in a Denver hotel room with my six-month old watching CNN while I made her bottle. I heard something in the backgroud about my friend Gwyneth having a daughter the night before....of course, I immediately thought about the fact that I, too, had a daughter and wouldn't it be great if we could all get together for some play dates. Then, I heard the name of her new baby. Apple Blythe Allison Martin. WHAT??? Surely, I had miss heard, no one would name a child Apple. I sat on the edge of the sofa and watched the crawl at the bottom of the screen until the news came around again. Yes, there it was in black and white. Apple. I mean that is actually her name. They looked down at their precious new baby and thought Apple. I have since seen many interviews with ol' Gwyneth where she talks about the name and how surprised she was at the reaction people had. Really Gwyn, you were surprised, shocked that people didn't applaud you for naming your child after a fruit? She talks about how much she loves the name, how it is so sweet, so delicious. Yeah, so are watermelons, but I don't see that name on the birth certificate. Hey, I love food as much as the next person, I can't pass a plate of mashed potatoes without thinking of comfort and love, but you didn't see that on any birth announcements. Apparently, it was actually Chris Martin who came up with the name. Just try to picture that conversation between Robert and me...boggles the mind doesn't it. I would have laughed him out of the room.

And, when I did not actually think things could get any worse, oh they did. Julia and her twins. Phinneaus and Hazel. For those of you who may be tempted to write me and say they are family names....they aren't. They used family names for the middle names, Walter and Patricia. I won't even touch those, as to not step on anyone's graves. The first names they chose were all their own. Really, JULIA, DANNY, was life just too easy for you both with your names? Did you feel that since you suffered through nine months of pregnancy (2 on bedrest), the innocent twins should suffer for the REST OF THEIR LIVES?? I just don't understand, you seemed so happy on Oprah, you were glowing, seemingly thrilled to be pregnant. Did the epidural go bad or something? I really want some answers. I feel that as your friend, I deserve some answers. But since neither of you bother to return my calls, I will end with the famous words of Arsenio Hall....
Gwyneth, Julia--If you don't like kids, don't have them!!

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